The silent assassin

Those moments in life you start evaluating the big picture and you just can’t think. You wish you could say you feel good and bad about certain things, but all you feel is a weary kind of melancholy. You wish you could feel sorry or angry or excited about things. Feelings you know you would feel if you were able to feel anything else at all.

The lonely sadness takes over and your life just doesn’t seem worth it. You start making a list of pros and cons of living and the list of cons just keeps growing bigger and bigger. That list feels true, while the short list of pros consists of rationalized things you have taught yourself to value in times like this. You really try. You give it all you have left, to survive. You know you want to live.

This too shall end and at that moment you will be proud that you once again beat it. That too is something you taught yourself. There will be no one there to pat you on the back. There will be no one there to tell you you did good. No one will celebrate this victory with you, because no one knows how hard this struggle is. Because you tell no one about this struggle. No one knows what it is not getting any easier over time. This is not the kind of thing that you get used to. This is the kind of thing that hurts more, every time it hits you in the face: It is still there and it will remind you of your pain and fears. It will. Year after year.

When you survive, it will give you some time to recover. It lingers in the back of your mind and at some points during your life you even forget it is there. You start hoping that this time you beat it forever. And then it hits. That moment you start hoping, it hits. The timing is impeccable and the damage it can do has a maximum impact. You were foolish and naive, but that really is the only way you know to survive. You need your hope to be strong enough once again.

You reside in your head and you regroup your troops, your coping mechanisms. One by one you use them. If it doesn’t work, you move on to the next, and the next, and the next… reminding yourself that you do want that chance at one more happy moment. Sometimes the battle is short, but most of the time it takes weeks, sometimes months.

You have so many blank spots in your memory, that were occupied by the fight, instead of by actually living, that it is hard to find actual memories of those happy moments, of you actually living life. The flat line your life becomes during those battles starts to feel comfortable. You can just act out your routines, go to your work, go to your friends… all the feelings are gone and you do not really notice what is going on around you.

You wish there was a place where you could hide from it all, but the only solution you know is to fight or end it all because no matter how far you run, it finds you. Even the safe spot in your mind slowly gets infected if you go there too often in the heat of the battle. You can create new safe spots. There is no end to this story. You can repeat all the steps.

And then, all of a sudden, there is this spark. A sign of beauty that fills your heart. You survived. Once again. You do not know how many times you will be able to pull this off, but this time you did. And you celebrate. Alone. But you celebrate. And no matter who you are.

 

***No matter what your battle is. I am proud you survived. I am proud you did not give up. You are not alone in this. Share your story with the ones you trust. If you do not have ones you trust, share it with the ones you do not know. Together we are strong.***

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