Short story: heartbeat

For just a moment you were there. My heartbeat raised and my mind was focusing on that one thing I try to eliminate from my life. I do not want to let myself go for anyone. I do not want to fall in love. Not now. Not soon. Not ever. You were there. Your eyes captivated my mind. You were there. Your smile banned all rational thoughts. You gave me the idea that you felt the same. You gave me the idea that I could no longer hold on to my decision. Just for a brief moment you made me believe that this was possible. Then you stopped. You left my mind in complete confusion. You left my body curious about how you would feel. It took me a few days but then my mind slowly started to get back to where I feel comfortable these days. I realized that you probably would never be able to be with me. Not in this life. Not in this world. Your behaviour was a warning. It allowed me to understand that my strength is my weakness. It allowed me to see that even in this fight I can be easily distracted by the cravings of love and lust.

I cherish that moment, for it is the reason I can still fight. I cherish it, because it is the reason my world still exists. The ability of humans to love, to care for each other, no matter where they come from, no matter where they’re heading to… there is always the option to love. But not for me. This fight I started is not the fight I would want to be in if I had a choice, but if I choose to leave it now, I will become one of its victims for sure. There have been moments in the past that I had my doubts. I guess that is logical. But my love will never be understood. Not in this world. Maybe not in any world. So I fight against myself.

You need to know something more about me before you judge me. When this fight started, I was only 7 years old. That was the first time I had these feelings. There was not much to think about it back then. It was a normal thing, in a normal world. At least, the world seemed pretty normal to me. But when I grew older, I noticed that the boys I liked were all of the same age. They all stayed 7. And I grew older.

I will keep on fighting this war, because who I am, is not who I accept to be.

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